I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
