Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
