the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
