come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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