Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
