I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
