just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
