I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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