The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
