tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
