Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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