I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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