worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
