the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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