Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My dick has a subreddit
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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