I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
