Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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