im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
