someone owes me an orgasm
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
