the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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