you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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