This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
