I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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