I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
