there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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