If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
