so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
