I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
