Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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