when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
