Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
