She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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