I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
