remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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