when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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