This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
