You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
