so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
