I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
