anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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