My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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