The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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