You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
