He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I touched a dick in church today
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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