considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
