i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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