Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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