Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Randomize
