My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
