i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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